FRED KELLY: My bizarre (and very long) night with Howling Laud Hope, Baron Von Thunderclap… but sadly not No-show Nigel

Nigel Farage won the Clacton by-election he himself triggered, but sparked confusion by refusing to attend the declaration, becoming the first parliamentary candidate declared victorious in absentia since Bobby Sands in 1981. Reform UK first claimed Farage had been advised by Essex Police to stay away due to a disruption campaign, a claim Essex Police denied, adding a further layer of oddity to a night already marked by a bizarre cast of rival candidates. The episode raises questions about what the contest actually resolved, given Farage's hope that victory would clear him of an ongoing parliamentary standards inquiry.

Farage triggered the by-election on 7 July after objecting to a Parliamentary Standards Commissioner inquiry into undeclared gifts, including £5 million from crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne and gifts from George Cottrell. He won with 22,239 votes (63 per cent) on a 44.37 per cent turnout, more than double runner-up Count Binface's 9,455 votes, against a field of 33 candidates including three Monster Raving Loony Party members. No major party stood against him, prompting Kemi Badenoch to call it a "fake by-election," and the standards inquiry into his conduct resumed the following morning despite his win.