This piece is a satirical Verge article written as a mock internal memo welcoming John Ternus on his first day as Apple's new CEO, poking fun at the company's current business challenges across hardware, software and services. It uses humour to highlight real tensions Apple faces, from EU regulatory pressure over its App Store and Siri delays, to mixed reception of new products and design choices, framing them as items in a jokey executive briefing rather than reporting factual company announcements.

The satirical memo touches on numerous Apple pain points: rising iPhone and Apple TV prices, low morale on the Vision Pro team, new EU app store commission rules taking effect within a month, and services being pitched as the company's main growth driver as iPhone sales plateau. It also lampoons Apple's AI struggles, referencing a "Smarter Siri Take Two" effort, awkward branding around AirPods' camera "sensor," poorly received smart glasses testing, and lighthearted asides such as the Pope reportedly being interested in an AI Siri pin.