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Dear Abby: I’m a 59-year-old virgin — and my wife of 20 years doesn’t want to have sex with me
A 59-year-old man says he has been a virgin throughout nearly 20 years of marriage because his wife has shown no interest in sex. He loves her but is considering divorce, and Dear Abby advises him to ask directly whether she might be willing to have sex, while recognising that ending a relationship over unmet needs can be acceptable.
The column also answers three other letters: it recommends checking whether a Phoenix father carrying a loaded gun in his granddaughter’s stroller has a permit and gun-safety training; says a man who received his sister’s house as a gift does not owe her a share if he sells it; and offers thanks to veterans and their families on Veterans Day.
In short
- A husband considers divorce after nearly 20 years without sex.
- Abby urges him to discuss his wife’s wishes directly.
- Other letters cover gun safety, a gifted house and Veterans Day.
Steelman: both sides, in good faith
The strongest fair case each way — we don't pick a winner.
The case for
A marriage can be loving and meaningful while still leaving a core need unmet, and sexual intimacy may be important to this husband’s sense of closeness and partnership. After nearly 20 years without sex, he can reasonably seek an honest conversation and, if they cannot find a mutually acceptable path, consider divorce rather than remain in a relationship that does not meet his needs.
The case against
His wife’s lack of interest does not mean she owes him sex: intimacy must be freely wanted, and pressure could harm trust and her sense of safety. There may be reasons for her reluctance that have not been shared, so a candid, compassionate conversation could help them understand each other and explore options before deciding whether the marriage can continue.
Explained simply
Dear Abby is an advice column in which readers write about personal and family problems, and an advice columnist replies. Letters are usually presented without readers’ full names, so the people involved are known through the details they share.
The central issue is a mismatch between spouses over sex and intimacy. Marriage does not by itself establish consent, and partners may have different reasons for wanting or avoiding sex; talking openly can help clarify what each person wants.
The column also covers other readers’ questions, including gun safety, a gifted home and Veterans Day. These topics bring different concerns into focus: personal safety, family expectations and recognition of military service.