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Men weren’t always “bad at friendship”
Historian Tiffany Watt Smith argues that men were once widely seen as the leading experts in deep friendship, challenging modern claims that women are naturally better at emotional closeness. Her account reframes today’s debate over male loneliness by showing that ideas about friendship and gender have changed over time.
The article cites Aristotle’s “perfect friendship”, imagined as a profound bond between two men, and the close friendship between 16th-century writers Michel de Montaigne and La Boétie. Montaigne praised their bond while claiming women lacked the qualities for such friendships, a stark reversal of many modern assumptions. The excerpt comes from a podcast interview about what men today might learn from these histories.
In short
- Men were once considered the experts in intimate friendship.
- Aristotle’s ideal friendship was between two men.
- Ideas about gender and friendship have shifted over time.
Steelman: both sides, in good faith
The strongest fair case each way — we don't pick a winner.
The case for
Historical examples of men’s profound friendships challenge the idea that emotional closeness comes less naturally to men. They suggest that friendship depends partly on social expectations and opportunities, so men today might draw on traditions that value trust, openness and devotion between friends.
The case against
Accounts of celebrated male friendships do not establish that men were generally better at emotional closeness, or that the past offers a reliable model for men today. Montaigne’s claim that women lacked the qualities for deep friendship also shows how historical ideals could exclude women, so these examples may reveal changing gender assumptions more than any inherent capacity.
Explained simply
Friendship has not always been understood in the same way, and ideas about who is best at emotional closeness have shifted over time. Historian Tiffany Watt Smith looks at how those ideas have shaped views of men’s friendships.
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle described an ideal form of friendship as a deep bond between two men. Centuries later, the French writer Michel de Montaigne wrote about his close friendship with Étienne de La Boétie, while expressing views that women were less capable of such bonds.
These histories matter to current discussions about men’s loneliness because they show that expectations around friendship and gender are not fixed. They offer a longer view of how people have understood closeness between friends.